


Changes

by Rei382



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 19:45:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1561853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rei382/pseuds/Rei382
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes things aren't the way you thought they were. Sometimes things change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Changes

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhhh the stuff I write during depressing classes in school... Yeah, this one as well had been lurking around my laptop for a while before I decided to upload it. I'm pretty sure I wrote most of it during Modern Japan classes (when I bothered showing up) which explains the, uh, dark mood of it XD Nothing like some atomic bombs to create the atmosphere eh? Yeah whatever I'm done with that course! AWW YEAH!
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this one :) It certainly helped me stay awake while my way-too-old-to-teach professor was talking about the Jushin...
> 
> Thanks dragonrain618 for being an awesome beta ^-^

 

Morning sunlight hit his eyes, tearing him out of his much needed sleep. As he was drawn back into consciousness, he made every attempt at going back to sleep, but it was too late. Slowly, he realized where he was and why his head was aching so much, why he felt so drained, and why he felt almost sick.

He opened his eyes when he realized that even though more than anything else he wanted to go back into dreamland and postpone whatever consequences he has to deal with now, it wasn’t an option for him. A glance at his side told him that his partner was still asleep. Good. It was one less awkward conversation to have.

He forced himself out of the bed, every movement slow and careful – both because he physically still wasn’t able to move too smoothly and because he didn’t want to wake the other man up. He preferred to just disappear as fast as he could, to leave nothing but maybe a memory and the remaining sunken area in the bed where he lain most of the night.

Once he was seated, he felt much more awake; his head still pounded but that was something he could deal with; he could care about it later, when he’s out of this house. It was easier to look around and just focus on his mission than being worried about the pain in his head. He managed to locate his underwear thrown inside a pile of blankets near the bed and not too far lay his pants. He got up and picked both items, automatically covering himself as best as he could without actually pausing to get dressed. As far as he remembered, the man he spent the night with lived alone with no roommates, or at least they weren’t supposed to be around, so he didn’t mind leaving the bedroom like this. He could vaguely remember that there was no point trying to find his shirt or coat in here – they were supposed to be somewhere around the living room or entry hall. He wasn’t exactly in a state to pay attention to small details last night when his brain had been washed by alcohol and alcohol-induced lust; he cared about one thing, and it had nothing to do with the way this house was built.

As quietly and carefully as he could, he advanced towards the door, not even bothering with a last look at the man he shared his night with as he hurried to the other room; it wasn’t like he meant anything to him. Once the door was closed behind him, he got dressed, putting his clothes on as fast as he could considering everything and locating his shirt and coat, as well as his shoes. He couldn’t find his socks, at least not in a quick glance, and assumed they were still somewhere inside the bedroom; well, too bad. He’d have to leave them there. He had more than enough socks and he wasn’t going to risk waking the other man up for something as small as that. He bothered only with his shirt and shoes before walking towards the main door. Fortunately, it wasn’t locked, and didn’t make much noise as he opened it, allowing him to leave the house without causing any fuss.

The air outside was cold. Apparently it was still rather early in the morning, judging by the grayish, faint light that bathed the street and the lack of life that usually characterized Central. Ed put on his coat, arranging it tightly around his body as he closed the door behind him and started to walk away. A short huff left his lips in a smoky puff, evaporating in the chilly air.

He knew he looked like mess. His hair was probably tangled and showing the story of last night. He was pretty sure his eyes were sunken and the skin around them darkened from tiredness and the after effects of his drinking, and fuck knew if there was anything else wrong with his looks. He didn’t bother making sure he put his clothes on correctly, didn’t bother checking that his partner didn’t leave any visible marks on him. On top of that, he probably smelled; he could feel the reek of alcohol and was pretty sure he carried the stench of sex, but there was nothing he could do about it and he couldn’t care less. He already walked in Central streets in worse conditions, hygienically speaking; fighting usually didn’t leave too much room for cleanliness. It was what was awaiting for him once he gets to his destination that bothered him, but no matter how much he perhaps wanted to, there was no way out of it. Besides, he was never the kind of guy to escape a tough situation; he wasn’t going to start now.

He let out another sigh, watching the thick air melting and disappearing. He always thought that if any of them will cheat, it wouldn’t be him.

In fact, Ed believed neither of them will; he always thought that they both had enough integrity, that they both respected each other enough to never get there. He wasn’t hallucinating that they were going to last forever; he was sure they loved each other, but he didn’t believe in eternal love and he was well aware that they were way too similar to enable them to stay together for long. The mere fact that they were still together after three years was a miracle to him.

Well, almost three years. Two years, three hundred and twenty two days, as it seemed. He didn’t fool himself that last night would be forgotten, or even forgiven. No matter how much they loved each other, both of their egos were way too strong to forgive about something like that.

He knew he probably would never be able to forgive about something like that, anyway. He couldn’t expect Roy to be any different.

He kicked a stray pebble his foot found on the ground. He hated himself for what he did and there was no excuse. Sure, they fought. He was mad at him; furious, actually. He had no right telling him the things he said. A frown rose on Ed’s face as his thoughts wandered back to the fight they had last night. True, it really wasn’t his house; he never paid for it, never paid his share of the bills even though he did get food most of the time. That was consumable, nothing that really meant the place was his.

But after almost three years, Ed did come to think of the one-story house as his. He didn’t tell Roy, but a few months ago when his lease on his old apartment he used to share with Al before he decided to move in with Winry expired, he didn’t bother renewing it. Instead, he sold whatever he had in there and bought some stuff for Roy’s house instead – got another desk and a comfortable chair for him to work at, got them a  new dining table because he decided the old one was too wrenched and didn’t fit with pretty much anything in the house. He used it to get their living room cushions dry cleaned and even got a new stove, one that’d make it easier for Roy to bake because over time he noticed it was his hobby – and because his pastry was damn delicious. When Roy came back home that day and asked about the changes, Ed shrugged and just said that he got tired of the old stuff and claimed that to be Roy’s early birthday present, even though when Roy’s birthday really came back he got him a few books about baking and a weekend off in a hotel, just the two of them, to change atmosphere and forget about work and other everyday worries.

He finally felt that he had a home. Apparently, Roy didn’t feel the same way and it hurt when he realized that. Hurt more than Roy’s constant requests that he’d change who he was – start cleaning after himself, stop talking while he was chewing, even though he really tried to pay more attention to these little things simply because they bothered the man he loved. It hurt him that he didn’t appreciate his efforts – after all, it wasn’t easy at all to change habits gained after years – but nothing hurt him as much as Roy’s words. _No, Ed, I won’t just ‘deal with it’. It’s_ my _house and I won’t tolerate this anymore_.

The mere memory of Roy saying that to him made Edward’s eyes sting again just like they did last night. But now he couldn’t hide it with anger; he had no one to yell at, had no one to glare at and say that he shouldn’t worry about that anymore. There was no one around him but a few strangers on their way to work or walking their dog, as well as a stray cat that ran off to hide somewhere between the garbage bins of the neighborhood. He had only himself and he couldn’t help the tear that threatened at the corner of his eye.

He didn’t really mean what he said, despite Roy’s words. He didn’t really mean he won’t be living there anymore, he didn’t mean to leave for longer than an hour, and he most definitely didn’t mean to end up in some stranger’s bed. He had no real intentions of ending what he had with Roy, no matter how mad he was at him or how hurt.

But it was too late now. He was going to Roy’s house now and it’d probably be the last time he’d ever step there. He’ll get someone else to take his stuff out. Maybe Havoc. Ed let out a sigh, angrily wiping the beginning of a tear from his eye. This was just yet another thing he screwed up. He hoped these days were behind him when he got Al’s body back. Apparently, they weren’t. Typical. He lifted his head and realized he actually knew where he was. It was the northern part of Central; not too fancy, but not too cheap, either. It was very near his old apartment. Great. At least he knew the way to Roy’s house from here by heart.

He kept walking, not bothering anymore to pay any attention to the streets around him, his mind repeatedly creating and re-creating the conversation he was going to have with Roy. He had no idea how long had passed, but he never managed to get out of the same circle of thought, never managed to find a scenario where things won’t go to the worse. He only forced his thoughts to stop when he reached the street he learned to call ‘home’ during the last three years. He raised his eyes from the ground, looking at the house not too far from him. It looked so normal, so inviting, and yet Ed found it nearly impossible to take another step closer.

He wasn’t even sure Roy would be in there. He was supposed to be at work by now; but that’d just mean he’d have to wait until he gets back – which meant more hours of beating himself up for what he’d done. It took him another moment to realize that Roy’s car was parked in front of the house – which meant that the man was in there. It was too cold to walk to work and by now he knew Roy’s habits probably better than Roy himself. Even though it wasn’t long distance to the office and the General loved walking, he wouldn’t risk a cold and would just use his car instead.

Maybe it was still too early to leave for work. He’d hate to go there and screw Roy’s working day up, especially since he wasn’t even sure if he was already awake as he had no idea what time it was, but it was better than waiting and not saying anything until the evening. Some things were better off just being done with, no matter how difficult it might be.

He took a deep breath and kept walking towards the house. He paused again at the gate, trying to find the right way to open what will probably be one of the hardest conversations he’d ever have, and realized that there was no ‘right way’ to say that he cheated. So he decided to stop being a coward and opened the gate, walking the short path to the front door. He stood in front of it for a short moment, deciding whether he should knock or just open it. He decided to knock and raised his hand. However, before his hand managed to hit the wood, the door was thrown open and in front of him stood Roy. He looked awful. His dark hair was messy, shuffled as if he didn’t brush his hair in days; his eyes were red, his irises even darker than usual, surrounded by dark circles as if he didn’t sleep; his skin was even paler than usual and every feature on his face spoke volumes of what seemed to be a sleepless night.

It just made Ed feel even worse about what he did. He looked down, fidgeting in his place a little bit. He was hoping, somewhere at the back of his mind, that Roy would look just like this – but he pushed that thought, trying to ignore it. He knew it’d be better if he’ll find a strong, collected Roy standing in front of him. It would’ve been easier if Roy assumed what happened; it’d save Ed the trouble of telling him. He preferred Roy to be mad at him, to greet him with his cold, distant voice he used at the office whenever someone screwed up, tell him that this is over and hand him a suitcase with his clothes. But this – the broken looking Roy – made things so much more difficult.

They stood in silence for a long moment. Ed could feel the weight of Roy’s stare on him, but he couldn’t find the strength to look up and just say what he had to say. Eventually, it was Roy who talked first.

“You look awful, Ed.”

That made the blond look up, a frown on his face. “Well, that’s a nice thing to say,” he muttered before he could stop himself. “You look like you could use a good night sleep as well.”

“Maybe if I wasn’t worried sick I could get an hour or two of a good night’s sleep.” There was no blaming in his voice; it was said more as an explanation, matter-of-factly. Ed wanted to reply to that, but any word he might have said evaporated as Roy closed the distance and he could feel the strong arms he knew so well being wrapped around him.  Ed could do nothing but just stand there and let Roy hold him like that. He certainly didn’t expect that. “I thought something happened to you,” Ed could feel the air brushing through his hair as Roy spoke, so intimately close, as if nothing happened. He closed his eyes in pain as he knew that he couldn’t even deceive himself. He wanted to push Roy away and at the same time wanted him to stay there and hold him. He wanted to pretend as if that was true – last night never happened, but that was impossible. Even if Roy never found out, they’d be living a lie. However, he couldn’t bring himself to do anything, and just stood there, listening as he tried to gather the courage to say the truth. “You left last night so abruptly.”

“I know,” Ed started, opening his eyes as he finally managed to find the courage to speak. “Roy, I – “

“I’m sorry,” Roy cut his words, not letting him confess and breaking his momentary courage. “I didn’t mean what I said. You know that, right? You have rights about this place just as much as I do.”

Ed’s heart clenched at the words. If seeing Roy the way he was when he just opened the door made him feel bad, hearing him saying that made all the guilt that already drowned him just get thicker and more choking. His hands tightening into fists at the sides of his body as he forced the words out, almost cutting into the older man’s words. “I was with someone else,” he said, his voice quiet as he remained still in Roy’s arms. “Last night.”

Thick silence surrounded them for a long moment. Neither of them moved or said anything, and Ed’s mind was empty. He didn’t want to say anything else, didn’t want to break the silence and make the end he knew would come faster. He didn’t want to hear the words that would come out of the man he came to think as his lover, words that would prove that he hurt him. It seemed like forever before the hold around him shifted and he knew that that was it.

He braced himself and was surprised when instead of letting go, Roy held him tighter. His eyes flashed open and he stared blankly as he tried to understand what was happening. “It’s alright,” the words brushed his skin, their impossibility itching Ed’s brain more than any unsolvable alchemical problem he’d ever faced. He finally managed to move, pushing himself out of Roy’s arms. He looked up, seeing the dark, sunken eyes staring straight at him. He could see the hurt there and at the same time something like understanding. It made no sense. The hands left him.

“What’s alright? I cheated on you, Roy.”

“I understand that.”  The familiar, strong voice was strained now. Confused, Ed remained silent. If Roy understood what happened, why didn’t he push him away? Why didn’t he yell at him or tell him to get the fuck away? Why, instead, did he hold him tighter and say that it was alright when it so obviously wasn’t? “We should probably get inside and talk,” he said after another short moment of silence, stepping a little bit backwards to make room at the entrance.

Ed thought for a second, but he entered the house, unable to look at Roy as he passed by him, and walked straight to the living room. He automatically went towards the double sofa and sat on it; it became his favorite with time, enabling him to sit comfortably with his feet on it as well as giving enough room for him to share it with Roy when they felt like snuggling, or when he somehow managed to do or say something that’d just make the older man get up and close the distance and just kiss him. These memories were like sharp knives in his heart now.

He looked up surprised when he felt the weight shift and Roy sat next to him. He was sure he’d try to stay as far from him as possible now.

“Did you know him?” Roy asked, his voice still not blaming but somehow demanding an answer and Ed knew he owed him that much.

He shook his head. “No. I just met him last night. I… had a couple of drinks and then… things just… happened. I know it’s no excuse and I’m not trying to make you forgive me. I don’t know why you said it was alright. It’s not. I let someone else fuck me. How can you be ‘alright’ with something like that?”

“I’m not.” Roy’s short reply stunned Ed despite the fact that he was expecting it. “Ed,” the sound of his name made the younger man to look up. He could see Roy’s slouched figure next to him, his head bowed as he glared at the floor. “Do you _want_ me to forgive you?”

“I – of course I do. But… but I don’t expect you to. I’ve done a horrible thing. I wish I could undo it but -”

“But you came back to me,” Roy, yet again, cut through his words. “You confessed. You regret it – at least you say and look like you do. We all make mistakes and I never expected you to be perfect. I told you I loved you three years ago, didn’t I? I still feel the same way. I never had anything like what we have and I don’t want to lose it because of one mistake. And… and if you promise me that you’ll never do something like that again… I want to try to believe you.” Roy looked up, looked straight at Ed’s wide eyes, piercing his soul. “It might take me a little while to trust you again, but I want to try. If you want to.”

Ed’s heart beat hard in his chest. How could this be happening to him? He was used to paying for his mistakes. He practically lived by the law of Equivalent Exchange and he couldn’t really understand what was going on. Roy was his first serious relationship. He’d never gone through something like that.

But there was one thing he knew beyond any doubt. He was being given a second chance, and he wasn’t going to miss it just because it didn’t sit right with the way he was used to getting or – more accurately – losing things.

“Of course I want to,” he said, his voice barely over a whisper. “I’m so sorry, Roy. I really am. I don’t know how you’ll be able to trust me, but… but I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I meant it when I said I loved you too.” He glanced downwards when he felt the touch of a warm hand against his own, watching as Roy closed his fist around his hand. It felt so comforting, so relieving. Even now, after the thought that someone else had held him, the thought of touching Ed didn’t repulse him. A hint of a faint, sad smile played at the edge of Ed’s lips. They loved each other. They could survive this. He didn’t lose the one thing he had again and that hope was enough for now.

“I know,” Roy said, his hand giving a faint squeeze at Ed’s hand before letting go. “What do you say about turning the boiler on? I think we could both use a warm shower.”

Ed gave a short nod. “Sounds like a great idea,” he said and stood up, waiting for Roy before walking towards the bathroom and pushing the red switch that’d heat up the water. He could definitely use a shower, and if Roy would be there with him, it’d be perfect.


End file.
